'An Independent Baptist Church'

How to make your marriage last forever

Text - Ruth 1:16,17 "And Ruth said, Intreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God:
17  Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the LORD do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me.

How do you have a marriage like that?

Bob & Clara Walls  -  Married 41 years

Here is their secret to their long marriage as told by husband Bob:
  1.  hand over the pay check to wife as soon as you get it
  2.  Learn to say Yes, Maam.
  3.  Let her think she is always right

Swedish couple married over 50 years - had many battles - "Fen, I've had enough - for 50 years we've argued, fought, been at each other tooth and nail for all these years and I'm praying that God helps end this...
I'm praying that God takes one of us home.....and after God answers my prayer- I'm going to go live with my sister....

Here are some Biblical Guidelines for a Marriage that will last:

1. ENTER THE MARRIAGE WITH COMMITMENT.

Matthew 19:4-6 "And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female,
5  And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?
6  Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

Jesus' intended that marriage be entered into with commitment..

It used to be that way 40 to 50 years ago.....

  but today we live in a different culture.....There's no commitment....

Many of today's young people getting married come from a home where at least one of the parents has been divorced from a previous marriage....most come from a home where THEIR parents are no longer married...

We live in a society where we are teaching our children if there is a problem, if the other person is not making me happy......if things are not ideal.....walk away from that marriage...

Instead of trying to work it out....I'm out of here!

It carries on into other areas of our life.....Church, Job...

If there's something I'm not happy about....instead of trying to talk and work it out.....We walk....
(average person today changes churches every 3 years)

Our your children seeing stability and commitment & faithfulness set by you, parent?

Or are you and I teaching them, when there is a problem, instead of trying to work it out....we're outta here!

NO MATE IS GOING TO BE PERFECT
NO MARRIAGE IS GOING TO BE PERFECT
EVERY MARRIAGE IS GOING TO HAVE PROBLEMS
BUT YOU AT LEAST TRY TO WORK THEM OUT
AND KEEP THAT MARRIAGE TOGETHER

Lisa and I entered marriage with the commitment that DIVORCE was NOT AN option....We were in this for life....we meant our vows....

Now the thought of MURDER has crossed her mind a few times....

UNLESS THERE IS INFIDELITY OR THE OTHER MATE IS UNSAVED AND JUST ABANDONS THE MARRIAGE BECAUSE HE OR SHE WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR CHRISTIANITY..

OR OF COURSE IF YOU AND THE CHILDREN ARE IN DANGER, GOD NEVER MEANT FOR YOU TO STAY IN THAT HOME.....

That is why LIVING TOGETHER  before marriage doesn't work.....People during the last 40 years have tried something new....just live together before getting married to see if it is going to work.....People have done it long enough now that we have been able to study it and show that it doesn't work.....Most of these couples who do end up getting married end up with the marriage failing miserably.....

You can't enter a live-in relationship where you try each other out and see if the other person can continue to make you happy and expect to enter marriage which is much more commitment than just sharing the rent!

One old farmer called these arrangements "Hen House Romances" because the folks just 'roost' together at night...

Studies show one or both of the mates feel cheated later on....At least one person feels used.....he or she didn't love me enough to commit to marry me....I've given away intimacy so easily which God intended for your future wife or husband...and the other person wonders if it was so easy to get him or her to do this with me....how many others has he or she been with before I came along?

2. RECOGNIZE THE 2ND LAW OF THERMODYNAMICS IN MARRIAGE

If you don't continue to work on making your marriage better, it will slowly disintegrate and wear down on its own..

A good marriage is a life long process....because as you get older and farther into the marriage...things change...and if you're not careful you and your spouse will grow apart.

If we're not careful WORK & CAREER can come before our mate that we promised to cleave to....and then add onto that......when children come into the home

Dr. Laura Schlessinger tells about this in her new book THE PROPER CARE & FEEDING OF HUSBANDS
   (A book every girl....every wife should read)

p15, 28, 29, 30, 31

HWS - Hurried woman Syndrome

Kids often come into many homes and marriages and while that is one of the most wonderful blessings from heaven, if we're not careful, we can push the marriage aside and forget THE ONE we promised not to forsake above all others...

Remember the verse said "Cleave unto your wife"  and "Cleave unto your husband"...and 'forsaking all others'

One mother's advice to her daughter - "You had a husband before you had children....don't forget it!"


Both HUSBANDS and WIVES would do well to remember this old adage ... "if we would keep doing what we did before we got married in order to get married, we will never get unmarried"

Next week we will expand that you had better work hard at finding time for regular intimacy with your husband or your wife or your marriage will pay for it...

There are two basic instructions in the Bible on how to keep the marriage alive and healthy..... in Ephesians 5:25

A. One for the husband - LOVE YOUR WIFE and let her know it

v25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
28  So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.

Why?  Wife's primary need is know she is loved by her husband.  The flowers and gifts, date nights out, remembering her birthday and anniversary, tell her how much you appreciate, tell her how beautiful she is....

KEY .....LOVE HER AND LET HER KNOW IT

B. One for the Wife - REVERENCE (admire & respect) TO YOUR HUSBAND...let him know he is your hero and you admire him

(Eph 5:33)  "Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband."

A man is so-designed with the male ego that he must know that he is your hero and as Dr. Laura notes - a man's needs are very simple...(Woman is not, she is much more complicated, and we will look at this next week)....and if a woman is smart, she will realize this...and that she has the ultimate power in the marriage to go along way in making her own home just as happy as she wants it to be...and in most cases, yes in practically every marriage, the wife has the power to determine the behavior of her husband.

Doesn't The Bible teach that principle in 1 Peter 3:1-4?

Likewise, ye wives, your own husbands;  may be won by the conversation of the wives;
2  While they behold your chaste conversation (behavior & conduct) .....even.. a meek and quiet spirit,

Women if you do this, your man will slay dragons for you and swim thru shark infested waters to make you happy!

Dr. Laura - PROPER CARE & FEEDING OF HUSBANDS -
(intro - pi, xvi, xix, 30,  

Ladies, remember the 3 A's of a man's needs - Acceptance, Approval, and Affection.  When the average man gets those 3 A's from their wife....all is well in their world!

And husbands, LOVE YOUR WIVES AND LET THEM KNOW IT.....don't take them for granted...
go down to Pamida and buy her some jewelry!

Make Your Marriage Last  (Message #2)

Is there any Biblical advice on how to have a marriage that lasts....??

Ephesians 5:25-33 gives one simple instruction for husbands and one simple instruction for the ladies in order to have a marriage that will last..

25..."Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

33  Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

1) Husbands, love your wives (v25)

2) Wives Reverence your husbands (v33)

Husbands LOVE your wife and let them know that you love them...show them....repeatedly...that you love them...
A woman's basic need is to know that she is LOVED and CHERISHED.

Wives REVERENCE your husband.....show him you admire him and that he is your MAN and he is your HERO

Dr. Laura Schlessinger has written a book "THE PROPER CARE AND FEEDING OF HUSBANDS" and she concludes after years of dealing with counseling and advice the following:

Ladies, in most cases YOU have the power to make your home and your marriage whatever you want it to be....much more so than the husband, the man.

The reason is this - God has do designed men and women differently.  The male ego and temperament is so designed by God to want what you have to offer.....Ladies, right from the start you carry all the cards.....You have what the man wants....so this puts you in the driver's seat....

Now the Bible says, "Dwell with each other according to knowledge"...and if a woman and man are smart...

ladies...Just remember the 3 A's of a Happy Marriage:
Acceptance, Appreciation, Affection....

Just give men these 3 basic needs and ladies, in most cases, your husband will slay dragons for you to lay the sun and
moon at your feet...

Text - 1 Peter 3:1 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;

Men, our main job is to love our wives and to let them know it repeatedly...and often....in a variety of different ways..


Now, in order to carry out these two simple instructions, we come to our next point in this message, and that is...


3. REALIZE MEN ARE VENUS, WOMEN ARE FROM MARS.

Men and women are so different....Created and designed different by God Himself...

Genesis 2:19-23 "And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.
19  And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.
20  And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him.
21  And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;
22  And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.
23  And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.
24  Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

Notice that from the very beginning of their creation, man and woman were different!

Men are very simple creatures.  
A man's needs are simple and few.  

A woman is a very complicated creature, far more complex in her emotional make-up.

Let me explain how a Man is really very simple and his needs are few. If you just keep a man's belly full,  brag on him and let him know you're proud of him and appreciate him, and that he is your hero, and try to be attractive for him, and give him physical Affection and Romance,  and he will give everything he has to lay the moon and stars at your feet.  

On the other hand, women are much more complex, and it is all because God has designed them differently.  Scientists have shown that we have 2 sides to our brain...and each side has different functions.....one deals with emotions and feelings, and the other side deals with analysis and problem solving.  

Now it has been shown scientifically that a man uses predominantly the side which deals with  problem solving...the analytical side....he's not dominant on the feelings and emotions side.....(I'm not kidding!)  The man only predominantly uses 1/2 of his brain...

(You ladies always thought your husband had half a brain...)

The woman, on the other hand,  uses both sides equally...not only does she use the analytical side, she also uses the FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS side.

Men are just not designed to use that FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS side of their brain like women are and it started way back in the womb...  The male baby secretes testosterone which deadens the neurotransmitters to that side of the brain which deals with feelings and emotions...
No kidding...ladies...we men can't help it when we're not as sensitive and emotional as you are....we fellas really have to work hard and make an effort to be sensitive...it is just not natural for us....  

This is why men are considered to be insensitive....
and women get their feelings hurt easily.....and they cry easily....

Men can get into a fight and be joking around about it that afternoon....not so with the ladies...
There is an old saying "there is no wrath like that of a woman scorned"
Women have a hard time forgetting wrongs and harsh words...whereas Without God's help they'll carry that grudge for years......

Men and women are so different, and we would wise to 'Dwell with them according to knowledge' (1 Peter 3:7)  and realize these differences....
If we would do so, it would prevent so many misunderstandings......

Examples of how men and women are different
(David Jeremiah)

Laura, Suzanne, Debra, and Rose go out for lunch.  They call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra, and Rose.
But Mike, Charlie, Bob, and John go out for lunch and they call each other Fatboy, Godzilla, Peanut head, and Useless.

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob, and John will each throw in $20 even though its only $22.50 bill for everything.  None of them will have anything smaller, and none of them will actually admit they want any change back.

When the Girls Get their bills...... out come the pocket calculators.  Am I right?

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.... A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item she doesn't want.

A man has 6 items in his bathroom....A toothbrush, toothpaste,  shaving cream, razor, bar of soap, and towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 337....
and a man would not have a clue to identify what most of them are...

When women are at a social event together....one one has to go to the potty, they all have to go...
I've never seen the fellas do this at a ballgame....

A group of women will be sitting together talking.....and every woman there can hear the conversation going between two other women and even join in their conversation....It is an amazing thing!

The woman always has the last word in an argument....Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

A woman will dress up to go shopping, to water the plants, to empty the garbage...she dresses up to answer the phone, to read a book or to get the mail..

A Man dresses up for 2 things......Weddings and funerals....
and that's it....

What about children....?   Women know all about their children....they know about dentist appointments, romances, and best friends, and favorite foods, and secret foods, and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in his house.


4. LEARN HOW TO FIGHT!

Every marriage is going to have conflicts.  As long as you are married to another human being, there are going to be disagreements, some more serious than others...and we had better learn how to handle these conflicts when they arise....

Ephesians 4:15  But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ:

Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another.
26  Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:
27  Neither give place to the devil.
29  Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
31  Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:
32  And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

Rules on How to Fight Fair

A. Speak the Truth in love
      *You've got to have HONESTY in marriage. If you can't trust each other, you're headed for real problems! Don't hide things from each other...be honest with each other....don't lie to each other and sneak around behind each other's backs and do things..

Ladies, to speak clearly the truth to we men you must speak plain and truthfully....One of the major problems in marriage is the lack of COMMUNICATION.  One of the reasons for this is that We men do not understand female double-talk...

(Dean Church gave me this e-mail recently that explains this point more clearly)

When a woman says the following, here is what she is really meaning:

FINE - this is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up.  Never use 'fine' to describe how a woman looks...this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES - This is half an hour.  It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it is an even trade.

NOTHING - This means 'something', and you should be on your toes and tread lightly...you are now on dangerous ground.  "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards.

GO AHEAD - Fellas, this is a dare.  At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

LOUD SIGH - This is not actually a word, bu tis a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men.  A Loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you.

SOFT SIGH - Again, this is not a word, but a non-verbal statement.  "Soft Sighs’ mean that she is content.  Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man.  'That's Okay' means that she want to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done.  

PLEASE DO -  This is not a statement, it is an offer.  For example, men, when you have been caught doing something you should not be doing, A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done.  You have a fair chance with the truth here, so very careful how you explain your way out of this one, men.

THANKS - A woman is thanking you for something.  Do not faint!  Just say "You are welcome".  

THANKS A LOT -  This is not the same.  This is much different from ' Thanks'.  A woman will say, "thanks a lot' when she is really ticked off at you.  It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will usually be followed by a LOUD SIGH.  BE CAREFUL NOT TO ASK WHAT IS WRONG AFTER THIS LOUD SIGH.  (I REPEAT).

Men, give a copy of this to every man you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember this terminology.


B. Don't Run from Problems......
Sit down and talk things out when you have a problem.....
  ..It may involve some compromise...

   (We teach our kids today...if there is a problem...run from it..
       Divorce....leave our church....leave friendships...etc.)

C. Learn to fight fair...
     Don't do the following things...this is not fighting fair
           
       *Be Sneaky and do things behind your spouse's back

        *Yell and scream

          *Fight in front of the kids

            *Blackmail

            *Make personal attacks (You could spend rest of your marriage trying to repair and take back)  WATCH YOUR TONGUE!

               *Dragging relatives & in laws into it....

                  *Silent Treatment....

                      *Pouting

                          *Bringing up the past

Using these approaches is not fighting fair....and will never solve a conflict.....

D.  LEARN TO FORGIVE AND FORGET (v32)
     Bitterness can destroy a marriage faster than anything


E. ADMIT WHEN YOU ARE WRONG & SAY YOU ARE SORRY..   

The old cliche "Love never means having to say you're sorry" might be good for the movies but it is just not true for marriages......


F.  REMEMBER PMS WEEK.

          Ladies determine to watch your  tongue and your emotions that week particular week of every month. Men watch your reactions that week...to what your sweet wife says and does...remember, for that one week out of every month, this is not the woman you married.  In most cases, She is a fire-breathing dragon that you do not know.  Keep your mouth shut during this week.  If you need, duct tape does a very good job.

Studies have shown that most major marriage problems can be traced to this week from pit...


5.  LEARN TO KEEP THE "MERRY" IN YOUR MARRIAGE

*Compliment and Praise each other...
       Anyone can criticize, but very few compliment..
       A little bit of praise given sincerely each day will do      wonders for any marriage.

*Spend time doing things together.
       We live in such a hectic world and it can get out of control.  Make an effort to do things together..  Exercise...hobbies...find things you both like to do and do them together..

*Remember each other with Gifts....
       Don't take each other for granted.  Even little gifts...it is the thought that counts....(Get your wife one of those rings at Pamida...but...don't tell her you got it from there and only paid $6.83 for it like I did)

*Be courteous to each other.  
We are often kinder and more polite with strangers than we are with our own mates...

*Be quick to assume blame for actions..
   Even though you think you are innocent, say "I'm sorry if I was at fault"

*Concentrate on being the right partner rather than changing your partner.
 You may not be able to change your mate directly, but you can improve and change yourself.

*Be generous with your outward affection.
   This is the best thing you can do for your children...show them how you adore their father or their mother.  Many have never seen their parents show affection to each other.

*Share little things with each other.
   Things that happened during your day.  Things that happened at work.  Little poems or humorous or interesting events that you came across today.

*Encourage each other.
    Everybody, Everybody....can use a little encouragement.  Everyone is a little tired and discouraged about something.  Even happy people need encouragement.

*Pray for each other and with each other.
   A husband and wife that pray together will stay together.

*Remember NO one is perfect.
Not even you.  Everyone makes mistakes.  Learn to overlook alot.  Don't make big deals out of things that are really not that big of a deal in the over all picture.  If you think you're going to be happy with that 'other person', you may be in for the biggest surprise of your life....

*Remember the 4 Deadly 'AJ's to any marriage

3 A 's and 1 'J' -  Addictions    Abuse    Affairs    Jealousy

Addictions - alcohol, illegal drugs, pornography, work, internet

Abuse - physical and verbal and emotional

Affairs - The deadly myth of greener grass is usually grass that is over a septic tank..

Jealousy - Nothing can smother the love out of a marriage more quickly than this green-eyed monster!


*PUT GOD FIRST IN YOUR MARRIAGE.  

(Psalms 127:1) "Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it..."

My friend, the best bet for a happy, successful marriage is two good Christians.   Be the best Christian you can be and ask God to help you be the best husband or wife you can be!

Make sure you are saved and born-again and that you are married to a saved person....other wise, you can bet sooner or later, you will have trouble with your 'Father-in-law'...

"Ye are of your father the devil" Jesus said to the unsaved Pharisees...(John 8:44)